In Psychosynthesis training I learned about the concept of holding a point of tension. Although the word tension sounds tight and uncomfortable the idea is to find a sense of comfort with conflicting internal wants, needs or ideas. Holding a point of tension involves sitting with whatever is, or is emerging, and not acting until things become clear. This could definitely involve sitting in the discomfort of the unknown and feeling all sorts of emotions. Ideally we want to find a certain level of comfort in doing this, without resisting how we are feeling and without forcing anything to happen.

Ideally, by sitting with a part of us that wants one thing and another part that wants something else our true inner wisdom can have the space and ease to emerge.

I'll give you an example.

Recently I applied for a counselling role in the addiction field. I had worked in this capacity before and the job sounded challenging and rewarding, and the company has a good reputation.

When I applied I knew that if I were to get the job I would need to make some sacrifices and changes, especially when it came to my son who is four years old. I knew my time with him would be greatly reduced and that I would need to find him alternative care. But I also knew that I would be much better off financially and that I would thrive in the role.

So, I applied for the job and got an interview. The interview went well and I waited to hear the result.

During that time I was holding a point of tension between wanting to be offered the job and not wanting it. I was holding that point of tension but the ball was in their court which made things easier. I'd offered references for them to call but had left out my current employer (at the Women's centre) because I didn't want to put her forward as a reference unless I was almost guaranteed to get a job and one that I knew I wanted. I can see now, in hindsight, that I didn't really want the job but at the time I was holding a point of tension, weighing up the pros and cons and how I was feeling as the process evolved. I was eager to see how I would feel if I was offered the job. I knew I wouldn't feel terrible if I didn't get it.

Often when I go for an interview and they are interested in hiring me I get told this before the references are called but in this case the interviewer called me after she had contacted my two references. Once she told me that she'd contacted my references I had a feeling that I was close to getting the job. She then asked me if she could contact my current employer as the other referees hadn't worked with me in the last 5 years. I was surprised and slightly alarmed at this request because I knew in that moment that I would need to make a decision. I really didn't want her to contact my current employer if I wasn't going to accept the job. I told her that I would get back to her and spent the next few hours holding a more profound point of tension around whether I was going to accept the job or not. I sat with my feelings, and the list of pros and cons that had become embedded in my core and the full realisation that I couldn't give myself fully to this role emerged. It wasn't that I decided that I definitely didn't want the job but I felt like she had given me an opportunity to really reflect on how to move forward, as I hadn't yet been offered the job. I decided I didn't want it enough and so I rang her and let her know the truth which was that I needed to withdraw my application as I had realised that I didn't yet want to work full-time.

I realise now that it was a gift. I didn't have to wait until I was offered the job to turn it down which would have been harder. I had to really decide how much I wanted the job before it was given to me. In hindsight, I didn't really want the job enough anyway and my son was only part of the picture. But this process involved holding points of tension and allowing wisdom to emerge.

I'll give you another example that was more uncomfortable and might be more familiar to people.

A year ago I was living with my partner at the time. He was and still is a very lovely and loving man. There were many aspects of our relationship that felt great, and right. He is committed to personal growth, and to addressing issues in our relationship. He is loyal and generous and has a warm and empathetic relationship with my son. He has a passion for the environment that I love, and he is a home body which I also love. He contributed to my mortgage and helped me parent my son, who I had on my own. But there were also things that I wasn't happy about and I won't disclose all of those but needless to say that I was struggling to feel fully committed and accepting of our relationship. I loved him but didn't feel inspired or completely comfortable about our relationship. I held a point of tension between wanting to stay and wanting to leave the relationship for quite sometime and it was very uncomfortable at times but I really tried to commit to staying aware of what emerged within that tension. I tried not to allow myself to just be staying with the status quo and rather I committed to tuning in to my inner wisdom so that I could act skilfully.

I think what I feel most empowered about with the concept of holding a point of tension is that the whole premise of it is that wisdom emerges in its own time if we allow it to. The more accepting of the different wants and needs we have the more likely the answers will come in time. I also really appreciate that the concept encourages us not to feel like we have to rush anything or feel somehow a failure for being 'indecisive' or 'unclear.

If you'd like help to work with points of tension in your life please be in touch.

Firstly, it’s a good idea to have a grasp on the brain structure and how the various aspects of it function and how they influence each other.

As you can see from the diagram above the reptilian brain regulates metabolic systems, our breathing, our heartbeat and our nervous system, temperature, balance etc.

The amygdala is the survival brain and acts like a security guard to the reptilian brain. It is hyper-vigilant as it is searching for danger. It is our old evolutionary patterning and gears us into fight, flight, freeze. Emotions, such as fear, pleasure, anxiety and anger are responses to an amygdala on high alert. Often undesirable responses to childhood and lifetime traumas give the amygdala reason to become very active causing hype-vigilence, reactions associated to fight, flight, freeze, and emotions like anxiety and anger.

The Limbic system is the emotional brain, and contains emotional responses that stem from activity predominantly in the reptilian brain & amygdala. The Limbic system contains likes and dislikes, emtions, feelings and dreams, habit control and memories. The Limbic system can be very out of balance if the reptilian brain, and especially the amygdala are full of a sense of unsafety, or even danger.

The Neo-Cortex is the advanced part of the brain and sometimes called the wise brain. It contains language, ideas and imagination.It is high level thinking. Rational thinking. It allows us to plan, remember, develop and produce language, overview, control impulses, empathise with self and other. It allows us to make decisions, and engage in moral reasoning about what IS and IS NOT ok. It has the power to regulate the rest of the brain. Hence why this part of the brain is so important and why mindfulness, awareness and meditation are so important as with these techniques we can quiet the other parts of our brain and therefore quiet the neo-cortex allowing for more peace, more clarity of thought and wiser decision making and alignment with Higher Self, including out meaning, purpose and values. And our acceptance of the less desirable and of others.

Next, we need to look at our nervous system.

Our nervous system is made up of our para-sympathetic nervous system and our sympathetic nervous system.

The para-sympathetic system is otherwise known as rest and digest. It is energy conserving. It relates to being and sensing. When the para-sympathetic is operating our body produces endorphins which are feel good hormones, we breathe deeply and feel relaxed.

Our sympathetic sphere, on the other hand, is our defense system and is activated in times of stress or fear. It is energy mobilising, involves thinking and doing, and acts like an accelerator. When our sympathetic system is activated our body produces adrenaline, everything constricts, and our oxygenated blood races to our defence muscles/extremities to get ready for fight or flight.

In times of fear or stress the amygdala sends a distress signal.

After the amygdala sends a distress signal, the hypothalamus activates the sympathetic nervous system by sending signals through the autonomic nerves to the adrenal glands. These glands respond by pumping the hormone epinephrine (also known as adrenaline) into the bloodstream.

When the sympathetic nervous system is activated, the pituitary gland, which anatomically branches off of the hypothalamus in the brain, releases Adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH) into the bloodstream, increases cortisol levels, causing various physiological changes including heart rate increase. Simultaneously, the adrenal gland, a neural ganglion located on the kidneys, releases norepinephrine and has a similar effect on the heart.

Think of the brain like a clenched fist with the thumb under the fingers. The wrist is the reptilian brain, the thumb nail is the amygdala, and the thumb is the limbic system. The fingers over the top are the neo-cortex.

When we, or our kids, get over-aroused we can flip our lid and the fingers fly up to straight hand whereby the neo-cortex essentially goes off line. This can happen much more for kids who haven’t developed their neo-cortex sufficiently. Hence why mindfulness, awareness and meditation are good for them too. But mostly they learning by seeing what we do and by being supported emotionally by us. We are their neo-cortex and hence why we need to be the calm rather than joining the chaos. We need to help calm them down by firstly calming ourselves and we need to help them develop their neo-cortex by educating them about their brains, emotions and by keeping their reptilian brains and amygdalas as safe and secure as possible. And by responding well to their limbic system.

FIRSTLY, we need to breathe ourselves to calm our own reptilian brain and help them calm theirs. We can also encourage them to breathe but they learn best by witnessing. We need to sit, be calm, tend to our own nervous system.. Help to calm by the breath, by being close if they need/want that, by supporting and being a safe and calm presence. We then, in time, need to respond to their limbic system to calm amygdala. To bring the Ne-Cortex back on line. BECAUSE WHEN WE FLIP OUR LIDS THE NEO-CORTEX GOES OFFLINE AND THERE IS NO LANGUAGE OR SELF REGULATION!

So…

Calm ourselvesCalm them appropriatelyName to tame (to support Limbic system) by naming or asking about emotions present. Gently enquiry. This can slowly bring their neo-cortex back online and into a stance of curiosity.Give or create together a brief overviewPonder a possible solution

It is important to remember that our body feels the effects of the sympathetic nervous system often before the brain registers any thoughts associate with it. We go into fight, flight or freeze and we develop a pathological story and thoughts about what is taking place. We need the breath throughout this process to calm our nervous system and brain so that the story and thoughts don’t get out of hand and when the advanced brain comes back on line we can create sense and a more grounded story about what has happened.

Good luck!

I chose MindBodySoul as my business name because I believe that counselling and HypnoBirthing both entail the connection and healing of the mind, the body and the soul. I believe that mind, body and soul are all interconnected. But I also believe that we live in a society that often sees them as separate. In many therapies the focus is either on the mind or the body. I believe in a holistic approach but I also know that I have engaged in some training that is more mind-oriented (eg. Cognitive Behavioural therapy), others that are more body-related (eg. Reiki and massage) and some that combine the two (eg. EFT or Emotional Freedom Techniques, which also recognises we are all energy, and Somatic Experiencing.) I have trained in other frameworks that also include the notion of the soul (Psychosynthesis). I believe in acknowledging them all, and bringing all these therapeutic approaches to my work. I believe whole-heartedly that we need to nourish our minds, our bodies and our souls in order to do the work of personal development.

In the words of Roberto Assagioli, it is necessary for our will to be good, as well as strong and skillful. Only this is the true and whole will; only such a will can give us both practical success and the highest inner satisfaction.

I learned about good, strong and skillful will during a year long personal development course I completed based on Psychosynthesis and the teachings of Roberto Assagioli. I was drawn to the teaching because of its spiritual and psychological framework and because the course is experiential by nature. The fact it was founded in Italy was also attractive to me, having spent many years living there. Psychosynthesis is a beautiful model based on the idea that we are influenced by our immediate consciousness, our unconscious and also the collective unconscious. And that while we have an "I" at the level of personality and identity, we also have a Higher Self which can be equated with our essential nature.

Even though what I write about Psychosynthesis might not be 100% faithful to the model or the intentions of Assagioli, it is most definitely what I learned and have integrated into my life and practice.

I won't go too heavily into the Psychosynthesis model because it has many layers and dimensions to it. It is complex, but brilliantly wise and inspiring.

How we relate to, and direct our will is a core aspect of Psychosynthesis. And what I took from it was simple but very powerful:

We have free will, and there is also universal will - call this Destiny, Fate, God, the Divine, Karma, Life. Call it what you like, the fact is that we don't have total freedom to choose what happens to us. We do have the freedom however in how we respond to our lives. We have free will. Our free will can be divided into strong, good and skilful will. I will simplify.

Strong Will is all about Me, and what I want. Strong will is determined and focused.

Good will is all about you, what you want, what the Universe might want. Good will is relaxed, open and kind.

Skilful will considers strong will, and good will and acts consciously and according to the values inherent in both the other two aspects of will.

Ok, so I understand this might sound confusing but please bear with me. I'll give you an example of how I see it.

A good friend texts you to ask whether you can look after their child for the morning on Saturday. They say that they don't have any other options. You don't know exactly why they need you to do this, but you have already decided that you need a day to yourself on Saturday as you've been tired and stressed at work. Your strong will is asking you to say No, and look after yourself on Saturday, but your good will is wondering what your friend needs to do on Saturday, why you are her only option and how important it is that you are there for her needs. You are also wondering about the bigger picture and whether both your needs can be accommodated somehow. So, tapping into your skilfull will, you decide to ring her to have an honest and open conversation. While talking to her you realise that your friend and her husband are having issues and they need some time without their son on Saturday to talk about what they both want. Having asked all family members in town, your friend realised that you were her only option. She admitted that she chose to text, rather than call, as she felt uncomfortable asking. Tuning into the different aspects of will you realise that you need time to yourself (strong will) but you also want to be there for your friend (good will) so skilfully (skilful will) you offer to look after her son for 2 hours on the Saturday morning, leaving enough time during the remainder of the day to focus on self-care. You feel good about this decision as you have been there for a friend without neglecting your own needs.

I think tuning into these aspects of will in mind and in body is very important. I believe, how we choose to direct our will, taking into consideration kindness, and self-care, is a fundamental aspect of well-being and personal growth.

My father once said to me, Listen to your heart and listen to your head and follow the one that serves you best. Geez Wayne - how do I do that? And what does that mean? If I am listening to both and they don't agree with each other how do I know which one is going to serve me best?

I am not sure if this was a throw away line or not but it perplexed me for a number of years and I think the reason is simply this: the line assumes, or it did to me, that the mind and heart aren't in agreement with each other and that you need to listen to both and agree with only one of them. I've come to realise that I want my head to serve my heart, and not march to its own tune. But yes, it is true I believe that sometimes we can find ourselves in a head heart battle and that can be very unsettling and confusing. I like to believe that we need to listen to our hearts but it's not always easy.

I have come to realise that we need to nourish our minds in order to be guided by our hearts.

Mindfulness and meditation, as trendy as they are, work because they enable us over time to become a witness to our experience and not ruled by it. By experience, I mean our thought patterns, our bodily sensations and our automatic responses and behaviour. Becoming more self aware and mindful, and learning to meditate, creates space between our developed identities and our essential nature. Our essential nature, as I see it, is loving and kind to all of life, including ourselves. Mindfulness and meditation increase our capacity to see the wood from the trees so to speak, expand our perception, make space and have the ability to direct our will or make choices that align more with how we want to be in the world.

It would be fair to say that our brains are awash with our innate and lived experienced. And often, without even realising it, we choose to feed our minds with thoughts and ideas that are already familiar to us, even if they aren't really working in our favour. How many times do we choose to read, watch or listen to something that confirms what we already believe. It is often human nature. The mind often seeks confirmation of its formed identity, unless of course we have beautifully open minds and hearts. We can get stuck in negative thinking, and generally we can get caught up in over-thinking which causes our hearts to sing as loudly as we might like.

Mindfulness and meditation, especially when it incorporates breathing practices and body awareness, can bring us back into closer communication with our hearts so that our hearts can speak to us, and so I minds can listen.

I think in life, nourishing our minds and hearts and making conscious decisions about how we want to think and act carves the way for a better life for ourselves, and all those around us.

In my last post I discussed creating loving connections with our kids. The heart and soul of the post came down to the importance of engaging in child-led play, and having quality one-on-one time with each of our kids. So, if this is already happening in your family, you can now start to think more about ways to encourage positive behaviour.

Firstly, are rewards a good idea?

Unfortunately there is not a black and white answer for this question but I believe there is an answer.

I believe that there are risks involved in creating a climate of 'If you behave well, or succeed, you will get something for it, in addition to the personal satisfaction of doing well. Not only can it set kids up to be somewhat entitled, it can also rob them of reasons why they could feel good about it - personal success, connection with others, achieving etc. Also, there is the risk that the child could behave a certain way, not because they want to, but because they are going to get a reward.

The thing is that rewards, in the short term, can be effective for encouraging a change in behaviour but the risk is that kids can become materialistic, self-centred and ultimately motivated by external factors, rather than internal satisfaction. Do we really want our kids to grow up thinking, 'If I do this, then I'll get that.' ? I don't think so. So my stance on rewards currently is sure, implement sticker charts or a reward system to initiate a change in somewhat engrained patterns of behaviour but be careful not to carry it on for too long. It is more important to focus on all the positives in your child's behaviour, giving that your utmost attention and ignoring or if need be disciplining negative behaviours with appropriate consequences.

What about pocket money? I think age appropriate pocket money is a great idea. Then kids can learn to choose what they will spend their money on and parents can refrain from buying treats outside of special occasions and children can choose themselves what they do with their money.

What about paying them for so called chores around the house? Firstly, ditch the word chores and secondly don't pay them for their contributions to keeping the house and family running as smoothly as possible. What connotations does the word 'chores' conjure up in your mind? Drudgery? Hard work? Boring? Have to. Should. Don't want to. Exactly!

If we ask our children to help with the meal, or by laying the table, emptying the dishwasher or folding washing we are asking them to contribute. These activities are better described as family contributions, aren't they? Do WE get paid for these things? No. So why should our kids? The term 'family contributions' reminds children that the duties of running the house and making sure it operates smoothly belong to the whole family, since everyone enjoys its privileges. Through family contributions, each child will gain a sense of personal significance, as well as a feeling of belonging to a social group - namely, your family.

As parents, how do we communicate with our children? An indisputable fact is that the more we, as parents, use our calm voices, the more likely our children will do the same.

I think most people would agree that the closer we can get to a child's level and the calmer we can be, regardless of what we are communicating, the better results we are going to get. I think we would all agree that children don't really develop good healthy personalities through being intimidated. Unfortunately, however, most parents are capable of discouraging children. It can be so subtle that we don't even realise it but it does happen. We are human, afterall.

This is why it is always important to remind ourselves, when our children are misbehaving, that they are just trying to belong and to feel significant.

How do we discourage our children? We yell, we criticise, we humiliate and mock. We ridicule and use sarcasm. We compare our children to each other. We over-protect and do things for them that they can do for themselves. We label and expect perfection. And we talk about them in front of others.

But we also discourage in more subtle ways. We sometimes assume the negative: "Don't forget to say 'thank you' to the teacher." But on the flipside, and this might shake your worldview somewhat,, we praise our children. We praise them too much. We praise them when we don't even mean what we are saying. Really.

Praising is discouraging because it judges and because it creates an external locus of control. Bear with me. Praise is not terrible and in small doses it is called for. But what is more called for is ENCOURAGEMENT. Encouragement inspires with courage and spurs kids on. But what is the difference between praise and encouragement? Firstly, lets look at the different definitions. Praise expresses favourable judgment and encouragement inspires with courage. Praise focuses on the doer, whereas encouragement focuses on the deed. Praise focuses on the end product and encouragement focuses on effort and improvement. But most of all, praise creates an external locus of control, while encouragement creates an internal locus of control. Praise says "What an awesome painting!" Encouragement says "Which painting do you like best? You must feel very proud of yourself." Praise looks like "What a good job you did laying the table." Encouragement looks like "Thank you for setting the table because now I have extra time to cook dinner." It's subtle but it makes sense, right? It's like, do we want our children to grow up feeling proud of themselves, their contributions and their efforts or do we want them constantly seeking approval from others? That's the bottom line!

What about homework? How do we encourage a child's efforts and their enjoyment of learning without bringing shame, blame or pain to the party? In the pre-school HIPPY course I am learning, we are asked to encourage by the CCC approach. This acronym stands for Correct, Confirm or Complete. In other words if a child gets the answer wrong, just give them the right answer and carry on. Don't dwell on it. If they get it right, confirm it by repeating it back. If they get it half right, repeat it back and complete the answer for them. They learn through hearing the correct answers and not by feeling burdened by the mistake or by having to spend too much time on something they are not enjoying. This would obviously work quite well for pre-school kids but by the time kids are at school we want to encourage them to come up with the right answer themselves. We can do this by commenting on the hard work and effort they are putting in and by remarking on the correct answers. We can comment on improvements that have been made and asking questions that encourage them to figure out the answer on their own. Questions like "What did you learn from this question that you answered correctly that could help you answer this one?" It is important to celebrate mistakes - both our own and our kids. We learn from our mistakes and we learn more from them when we celebrate them as learning opportunities, and not failures.

So... folks.... hopefully you are practising your mind, body and soul time with your kids. What next? We need to train our kids to contribute in meaningful ways to increase their sense of belonging and significance. Rudolf Dreikurs says "Never do for a child what she can do for herself." Felix is helping me agree with this. He makes it easy by wanting to do everything for and by himself. Be my guest Felix. Pre-school kids can do so much! Felix dresses himself, makes his bed, packs his bag and brushes his teeth. He can find things in the grocery store which is great cause I hate grocery shopping. He can help fold towels and wash clothes. He can give me a back massage and water the plants. He can sweep the floor and carry in firewood. Jeez - I'm gonna be sitting on my culo soon, while he performs all the family contributions himself. I'll be smiling though because deep down I'll know that I am helping him increase his sense of belonging and significance. I won't praise him either. Instead I will encourage him by saying "Wow Felix, you must be really proud of yourself for all these things you can do by yourself, and by helping us have a warm, clean and cosy home. Now, how about that back massage?"

If you are interested in learning more, or you think you could benefit from counselling please be in touch.

Shame is part of the human condition but it is not widely understood

What if I told you that everyone experiences shame and that shame is a necessary part of being human? What if I told you that there is healthy shame, and there is unhealthy shame?

I'll give you an example of what I mean...

Imagine a parent walking with their child down the foothpath when suddenly the child sees a ball out on the road and runs out to get it. The parent responds by running out after him yelling Jimmy, come back here now! Get off the road. Hurry up!" This parent, understandably, is in fight flight freeze mode and adrenaline is racing through his/her body. The child, understandably, reacts by going into fight flight freeze mode and is experiencing a situation where they are being shamed for doing something that is not acceptable. But it is what happens when the parent and child are back to safety that defines whether this is an experience of healthy shame or unhealthy shame. Ideally, now that both parent and child are back on safe ground, the parent can heal the initial shame by repairing the situation. I love you darling. I'm so pleased you are back with me and safe. I am sorry for yelling at you but I got scared. You can't run out onto the road without looking because a car might come and run you over...let's go and have a hot chocolate and talk about this some more. This sounds pretty healthy, right? Healthy shame offers us knowledge as to how to function in society. I could write a whole post about how we are moulded to meet societal expectations. But obviously we need to control people's behaviour when their, or someone else's, safety is in jeopardy.

But what if the parent, who has brought the child back to safe ground and off the road, isn't able to calm down enough to offer a healthy response to the child and the response is more like You idiot! Why did you do that? You could've been killed! I am so disappointed in you. You are not getting any treats when we get home.'This is unhealthy, right?

But this post isn't about shaming parents for what we sometimes do when we ourselves have shame, or are afraid. This post is about how we all grow up with a sense of shame to some degree or another, and how the degree of shame we experience depends on how we have been treated and how we learn to treat ourselves, and sometimes others. This post is also about how we can begin to learn to respond differently to our, and others, shame. Shame begins with a break in the invisible interpersonal bridge between a parent and child or two parties and is a combination of a primary emotion and a freeze state. In relationship with another person, therefore, it is a lack of attunement that if experienced regularly, and when not followed up with care and an intention to repair the damage, can result in a lack of internal attunement and a sense of It's my fault, I'm adrift in this crazy world that makes no sense. Unhealthy shame creates a break between an internal emotion and a sense of being able to hold and manage that emotion, and this is largely because we feel wrong for having that emotion, whatever it might be.

To elaborate on what happens internally in the face of shame, within our nervous systems we all have a parasympathetic sphere and a sympathetic sphere. The former relates to being in a calm and regulated state, whereas the latter (the sympathetic system) is what kicks in when we are in the face of fear. When the sympathetic system goes into fight, flight or freeze because we get yelled at for running out onto the road, for example, the parasympathetic sphere automatically stops and we have a sense of something being wrong. If we are not calmed down after this experience then our sense of something being wrong results in a sense of being internally wrong which then learns to hide away and manage itself though other behaviour or emotions, like pleasing others, or being shy, sad or angry, or becoming super cautious or vigilent.

To put it more simply, shame is part of the human condition and we are all on a spectrum in terms of how much shame we experience and in what situations we experience it. For some people it can be very entrenched and very painful and it can hide behind other emotions. Shame is a secretive emotion, so secretive that it is not uncommon for people to feel shame about their shame. People can develop shyness out of shame and can then develop shame about being shy. It's a sad and lonely situation. Brene Brown defines shame as "believing we are flawed and unworthy of love and belonging." This sounds intense and painful, right? But we all know it to some extent, unless we have only ever experienced complete acceptance, and unconditional love in all situations.

Overt shame is easier to detect. Overt shame is a general sense, or a sense in certain situations of there is something wrong with me. A healthy example of this is when we hear people saying something like, Oh my God, shame when they act in a way that they don't feel is appropriate.But hopefully soon after this experience they will carry on with life as usual. But overt shame can also be an unhealthy sense of something being wrong with us. Covert shame is harder to detect and often results from developmental trauma. This form of shame is immensely painful and hides behind other emotions, and often anxiety, and depression. Covert shame can be omnipresent for some people. When babies, for whatever reason, are not attuned to well in infancy, they can internalise a fierce sense of shame. This is because babies rely on their caregivers to regulate their automated nervous system and if their primary caregiver or others are not regulated themselves or not sufficiently attuned to their baby, then that baby can internalise that sense of wrongness. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? Shame.

I want to emphasise here that this post is not intended to blame or shame by any stretch of the imagination. We all do our best with where we are at and what resources we have available but my wish is that this knowledge will help some people to deal with their own shame or the shame their children may experience. We can all be healed. And at this point I'd like to state that a simple affirmation of "What I do matters, who I am matters" can begin that journey to healing. Write it on the fridge. Say it to yourself whenever you notice shame peaking out within your body and psyche.

Before I mention how we can respond to our shame and the shame of others in healthy, caring and healing ways I want to briefly explain what shame tends to do. When shame appears within us we tend to either deny it, by telling ourselves that it didn't happen or disassociating: becoming numb or reaching out to our addictions. Otherwise we cling on by keeping the connection with the other person or people no matter at what cost. We can attack ourselves by aiming for perfectionism or creating an inner critic that says "I deserved it." "They were right". "I'm bad." Or we can attack others through blame, contempt, rage or violence. Or we can withdraw, which involves pulling in to lick our wounds and possibly isolating, mistrusting and losing faith.

But, there is another way. We can withdraw but rather than isolating and losing faith, we can offer ourselves comfort, and kindness and reassess the situation. Let's say you've had an argument with someone and they tell you that you are overreacting. And then on top of feeling all sorts of emotions including possibly shame, you feel shame for the fact you might be overreacting to the situation in front of you. And of course in this scenario you might also feel unseen by the other person. What are you going to do? Any of the above or something different?

Here is my humble advice, that I too need to follow:

When we are confronted with shame, in the form of feelings in our body and voices in our mind the most important thing we need to do, after acknowledging it, is to offer ourselves self- compassion. Treat yourself just as you'd like to treat that little child. Take a deep breath, give yourself an internal hug (or grab a blanket and wrap it around yourself) and say something positive to yourself like I hear you. You're ok. I love you or You're going into your stuff. It's shame. It's ok. It's still trying to protect you. Then make space between yourself and the shame. This is sometimes easier said than done. Externalise the shame. It is not you. It is shame. Remind yourself, if it helps, that many people all around the world are experiencing this same thing called shame. If the shame feels overwhelming, seek help. Talk to someone. You deserve it. But most importantly focus on developing more and more self-compassion, as this is what is going to heal you the most, and help you transform yourself through your shame. Self-compassion can be as simple as sitting down and focusing on your breath and feeling the sensations in your body, to the degree it feels safe, and telling yourself that you are experiencing shame, but that you are safe, and that it is not your fault.

Then you might make yourself a cup of tea and make space within yourself to take responsibility for what has taken place. You can ask yourself how much your reaction relates to the current situation and how much does it stem from past hurts? You can decide what you are going to do to move forward with your shame in this particular situation, and then going forward into your precious Life?

If you would like counselling or to learn more about this subject please be in touch.

I intend this to be a short post and one that endeavours to offer people insight into the benefits of counselling. I am not going to harp on about personal growth, developing mindfulness and self-care strategies or about addressing issues such as anxiety or depression, even though I am passionate about these aspects of counselling. All I am going to do is this: I am going to write a list of the benefits I have been aware of in counselling contexts and the benefits my clients have mentioned.

So, here is the list of reasons to see a qualified and empathetic counsellor.

* Counsellors provide an empathetic space to express yourself and focus on your own life and journey and a place where you can focus solely on yourself.

* Having someone listen to you who genuinely cares and is non-judgemental in their approach..

* It offers a chance to reflect on areas of your life in which you can see a need for improvement.

* It offers a chance to discover your dreams and make goals.

* It offers a safe place to talk about issues that are deeply private or vulnerable.

* It offers a place to practice relaxation and embodiment techniques.

* It offers an opportunity to explore relationships in your life.

* It offers a chance to look at vocational possibilities and dreams.

* It allows you to reflect on meaning and purpose in your life.

* To feel truely heard and understood.

* To feel empowered

* To sit with self and other to see what conscious and unconscious processes emerge.

* To process thoughts and feelings and make decisions that feel right for you personally

* To find strategies to deal with mental health issues

* To heal from pain, mental health dilemmas or trauma

Above all, I believe empathetic counselling can offer a space and relationship that allows you to reflect on your values and your strengths and to come home to what you need to move forward and have a life that you truly deserve.

Counsellors can give you confidence in your own inner wisdom.

If you feel like seeing a counsellor could be of benefit to you, I highly recommend getting in touch or finding a counsellor that suits your needs.

I am a solo mother, a HypnoBirthing practitioner, a counsellor and facilitator, and a practitioner at the Women's centre here in Christchurch. I am also someone who is committed to personal growth and to establishing healthy and attuned relationships. Needless to say, I am very interested in creating a loving connection with my child.

Does my current position make me an expert on this subject? By all means, No.

I am, just like any other mother, muddling along doing the best I can, with the knowledge, resources and personality that I have.

But since giving birth to Felix in early 2013 I have attended many parenting courses and read umpteen posts and books on the topic. It would be fair to say that I have treated parenting as a long and steep ladder on my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual journey.

Prior to the above photo being taken I had attended six parenting courses: an antenatal course at Plunket, a HypnoBirthing course, a breastfeeding course at Christchurch women's hospital, a PEPE course at Plunket, a course offered privately called 'Watch, wait and wonder' and another early intervention course called 'Circle of Security'. This was all by the time Felix was 1 year of age.

Since then I have attended a 14-week course aptly named 'The Incredible Years' and started doing a home-based parenting programme called HIPPY (Home Interaction Programme for parents and youngsters) and recently signed up for an online course that goes by the name of 'Positive Parenting Solutions'. The inspiration for this post came to me when I started session 1 of this course. I was introduced to what Amy McCready calls Mind, Body and Soul time, which is basically quality time that we spend with our children. I had one of those moments where I felt a sense of serendipity (or maybe sheer coincidence) because this is also the name of my business. I felt in that moment that writing about my learning in this area was something I really wanted to engage with.

All the courses I have completed encourage positive and present connections with our children. At the heart of this idea is that we can't address any misbehaviour before we focus whole-heartedly on creating quality and individual relationships with each of our children. The foundation blocks for any relationship is to be available and empathetic to our children as much as possible. So, what I have learned is that in order to create security, trust and wellbeing in my one and only child I need to devote time in my day to being with him, on his level, doing whatever he wants to do with me. I need to let him lead the play and I need to be gentle and unassuming in my interactions. This means, for me personally, that I need to let go of my attention to rules or getting things right, or being in control, and let Felix lead the way. Easier said than done sometimes.

What I've discovered is that children misbehave when they don't sense a sufficient amount of belonging and significance and they feel that they are not getting what they crave through positive means of behaviour. In some cases this is caused by well-meaning parents focusing on what their children are doing wrong much of the time without consistently commenting and encouraging positive behaviour. Encouraging and highlighting positive behaviour can be hard as, from my experience, if Felix is behaving well; playing quietly or using his manners, I will either breathe a sigh of relief internally or just have a feeling of this is the way it is meant to be, rather than giving praise or some form acknowledgement for this welcomed and positive behaviour. Kids need to feel emotionally connected and need lots of positive attention, not to mention personal power.

Feeling into the idea that when Felix misbehaves he is actually feeling discouraged moves me into a much deeper empathetic stance with my little boy. I have started to imagine that whenever Felix 'misbehaves' he is really saying I want to belong and feel significant, but I don't know how to do it. With this in mind, I have realised how important it is to see misbehaviour not as the problem but as a symptom. Human beings are hard-wired with a need for personal power and although it can be slightly frustrating (to say the least) or infuriating (at its worst) to deal with a defiant child it's important that we try and see things from a child's point of view as much as possible.

In order to see things from our children's point of view we also need to reflect and work on our own personalities and responses. Much of the way we are with our children stems from the way we were brought up and until we become conscious of these ways, we are likely to play out what we ourselves have experienced. In the 1950s Erin Berne invented Transactional Analysis which suggests that there are three ego states of personality; that of parent, adult and child. What may surprise you is that if the majority of our interactions with our kids are in the parent ego state then we can expect to have power struggles.

What does it mean to be in the parent ego state? It means we are taking responsibility for someone by reminding, ordering, directing and correcting. I still do this a lot! But I like to think that awareness is the first step and not a small one by any stretch of the imagination. The adult ego state is much more unemotional and involves more receiving, processing and transmitting. A child ego state, as you might imagine, is highly emotional. As parents we are going to spend time in all three ego states but research suggests that we ideally want to spend the most time in child state and the least time in parent state.

Right, so before getting to the crux of this post, I will admit that playing with my child was not intially a forte of mine. I had too much on my place! And child-led play? I was too bossy and in need of control for that carry on. But as time has gone on I have realised that I do actually enjoy playing. I do enjoy quality time with Felix. And, child-led play is not only fun, and empowering for my boy, it is also liberating and empowering for me and for our relationship.

To begin a process of positive growth for ourselves, our children and our developing relationships all we need to do is spend one-on-one time with each of our children for at least 15 minutes per day. During this time we need to be emotionally available and we need to be doing what the child wants us to do. We need to allow them to lead the play and resist our urges to be directional (or bossy) or take control in any way. That is all.

Based on what I have learned in courses I have done, the time together will be most beneficial if we loosen our reigns of control or perfectionism and just BE WITH our child.

So, take note, a misbehaving child is a discouraged child, seeking belonging and significance, in a world that is discombobulating. Soon I will be discussing the notion of power and how having a positive sense of power intersects with a positive sense of love and connection.

If you are pregnant or muddling your way through parenting and feel you might benefit from a HypnoBirthing course or counselling please don't hesitate to be in touch.

I am inspired to write this post as it is one of my current focuses and it is giving me much joy and satisfaction. Please note: I am no expert.

I wouldn't say I've previously been a hoarder, although I still have clothes and books, and items of jewellery that I had when I was in High School, some of which I have never worn, or read.

'But maybe one day I will', says my brain on a regular basis and it goes right back into the box, draw, bookshelf or wardrobe it's been in since it arrived in my life.

Stress, I have decided, is created largely by clutter. Physical, emotional and mental clutter. Mindfulness helps to put emotional and mental clutter into perspective but physical clutter needs a different kind of mindful approach, and one that can involve ruthlessness, bravery and a little bit of time. It does not, I realise more and more, need to take a lot of time.

I was fortunate in that I moved house a couple of years back and I decided that I would store most of my gear in the garage and just have the bare minimum in the house to begin with. I wanted to take some time to decide what to keep and what to give away, sell or store. Unfortunately I wasn't organized or patient enough to use this gem of a moment in time in the wisest way. In other words, much of the stuff from the garage ended up in the house.

So, for the past year I have been down-sizing, de-cluttering and minimalising. I feel like I now have a modus operandi that works really well. I have started using a diary and every week I have made space for an hour to down-size, to make space. Not only do I decide on the time each week when I will do this but I also write exactly what area of my life I am down-sizing. Recently I did my wardrobe and I refused to make it arduous so what I did was this. I took everything out of the wardrobe and drawers. I put all the summer gear away, in a large storage cupboard but I could have used rubbish bags. I figure I can focus on that gear closer to Spring. From the winter gear, I put all the stuff I love and wear regularly into the wardrobes and drawers and put the rest in rubbish bags labelled "undecided". Now - I will either decide to be ruthless and just give it to charity... or I will invite a friend or two over to decide what to keep and what to give away. For now the bags are in the garage.

I have alread de-cluttered the garage. I literally gave away most of it. I was ruthless. I gave away baby gear. More babies? Probably not and I can't hang on to that idea anyway. It is not on my current radar. I put kitchen stuff, books and other gear on the street for people to take away and I sold the buggy, old bikes and took heaps of stuff to charity.

The bathroom. I took everything out and made a 'chuck' pile, a 'give away' pile and a keep pile. I was ruthless. I chucked old stuff and I gave away moisturisers I don't wear etc. Don't be afraid. Less is more and are you really going to use it? If you really are going to use it, start now. Or get rid of it!

My stationary cabinet was a mission, and to be fair I have a box of pens and stuff in the garage but the bare minimum in the house. I have down-sized kitchen stuff a few times and I think it needs another go. And I have a box of gear I occasionally use in the garage but the bare minimum in the house.

I am so much happier having less. It clears my mind. I can find things more easily. The house remains tidier, and cleaner. But the most important thing is that I am focusing on buying less stuff. I don't want more possessions, unless they are really going to add value to my life. Felix doesn't need more toys. I have given so much of his stuff away, with his agreement and help. INVOLVE YOUR KIDS. I love that I am teaching Felix about not needing much stuff, and about the pleasure of giving things away.

I believe that not only do we live happier lives with less stuff, but we also make space for more value to enter our lives.

If in doubt ask yourself these three questions:

1) Will I/do I use it?

2) Does it add value to my life?

3)Where is the best place for it to go? (and the answer to this might be "elsewhere")

I look forward to your insights on this topic as I am still learning and it is an area of my life I want to keep mastering.

Take care and take the clutter out of your lives and out of your heads.

xxx

NB. Since writing this post I have read The Life-changing magic of tidying by Marie Kondo. I highly recommend it. Marie makes a living out of helping people de-clutter and tidy. Her stance is simple. Start now. Do your entire house at once, category by category. Start by disgarding big time. Take each item one by one, and if it SPARKS JOY keep it, if it doesn't get rid of it. She is ruthless. Surrounding yourself with things that you love and being tidy and minimal makes space for more joy and abundance to enter your life. I love it.

“Be there for others but never leave yourself behind.” - Dodinsky

It’s been said a million times before. It’s a cliché. We all know it makes sense. “Put your own life mask on first.” It’s all very well to know it and agree with it, but it’s quite another thing to put it fully into action. And if we’re going to be honest, it is nearly impossible to look after all our own needs all the time, and look after all our children’s needs all the time. Impossibly impossible, I’d say.

The expression and interconnectedness of mind, body and soul really comes into its own right, and indeed into the light, during pregnancy, birth and parenthood. When we fall pregnant we become responsible for not only our own wellbeing, but the wellbeing of another person. This other person is incapable of meeting his or her own needs. They rely completely and utterly on us. It’s a big deal!

Prior to becoming a mum I had engaged in self- development work and therapy, had trained as a counsellor and in many areas of mental and physical health, had read extensively on self-care and personal growth and worked with others to help them grow and develop. But it wasn’t until I got pregnant and became a mum that the really deep learning and significant growth began.

I chose to have a baby on my own and became pregnant with my son at the age of 38. I desperately wanted to be a mum and naively thought that it would be a walk in the park, an extension of my life, a joy, a breeze. It has been a joy some of the time but it has not been a walk in the park and it most definitely hasn’t been a breeze. Don’t get me wrong, Felix is the biggest joy of my life, but my journey as a parent has not been the joy ride I had expected.

I have come to believe that our children are our greatest teachers.

“I’ve come to believe that our children are our greatest teachers.”

Mind Body Soul parenting differs from conscious parenting in that the concept of conscious parenting relies heavily on being conscious of the needs of our children and how we relate to our children. Dr Bruce Lipton, a world-renowned biologist and leader in the epigenetics field, speaks on his website about conscious parenting. He says, “As a conscious parent, you just need to remember that you should always keep your language in check, and never come across as impatient or rude to your child. You should make sure your expectations in your child is appropriate and make sure you self-regulate yourself and appear confident and calm.” According to Lipton, someone whose opinion I value greatly, conscious parenting alters the cells of your child as they learn to process information in a new way that is more fulfilling to them.

Conscious parenting makes sense to me, and I encourage people to research it, but I am more interested in how we relate to ourselves first and foremost and how that organically improves how we relate with our kids. So, with that in mind, how do we aspire to be an empathetic and calm parent, while also accepting where we are at, what resources we have available, and while not expecting ourselves to be perfect? How do we get the support we really need? And most of all, how do we do our best, in any given moment, without beating ourselves up when we fall short?!?

The truth is that many of us don’t know how to fully meet our own needs, let alone the needs of little people who depend on us entirely to live and breathe, and grow and develop.

I have always been attracted to the Maori wellbeing model, Te whare tapa wha (Mason Durie, 1994). The premise is that our existence can be metaphorically depicted as a house. Think of yourself as a house and in your mind’s eye look at your house, look at you, and imagine each boundary of the house represents a component of your makeup. The foundation is your roots and your connection to earth. One side of the house is your physical wellbeing. The other side is your family and social wellbeing. One side of the roof is your emotional and mental life and the other is your spiritual life. All of these aspects of you are interconnected and they all need strengthening to keep you healthy and strong, happy and empowered, calm and confident, much of the time.

When you are pregnant you are housing your precious baby within. You are at one with this precious soul, distinct but not separate. Everything you are experiencing your baby is also experiencing, in his or her emerging mind, body and soul. So now you have two reasons to look after yourself and to prepare yourself for the birth of your baby, and becoming a parent. The house metaphor goes out the window a little at this point as your baby inside is a little soul in his or her own right. Distinct but not yet separate. When he or she comes out the other end, one house becomes two… but the smaller house is still relying on the bigger house to prop her or him up. It is a huge responsibility, especially in the beginning when they rely on us being there to meet their needs ALL THE TIME.

When you are pregnant your body (not to mention your mind) is changing and is no longer entirely your own. Hormones are flowing and often nausea ups the anti. There are often anxieties about what’s to come. Some of us have anxieties about the impending labour and birth, and others have anxieties about becoming a parent, or even about relationships with significant others. It can be a very exciting time and it can also be a whole array of other things. We all have stories that are quite unique to us. Some people’s stories will overlap with yours and other’s won’t. This is life, and being a human. But I think we can all relate to ideas of wellness in mind, body and soul and what we all need to feel ok, and what our children need to feel ok.

If I reflect on myself when I was pregnant I can gain, with the benefit of hindsight, ideas on how I might have preferred to be. I would have liked to have eaten well consistently, focusing on what I needed and what my little whare needed. I would have liked to have had more water, more greens and fruit, more fibre and healthy fats and less junk food. I would have liked to have done pregnancy yoga and meditated regularly throughout, slept more and remained in a settled environment with a stable community of people around me. Alas, this was not always the case. It was a rather chaotic time in my life. But we all do the best we can with where we are at. We can aspire to be great but we need to also accept that this is not always the case. We are human and being human is not always straightforward.

“We all do the best we can with where we are at.”

I would have definitely liked to have done a HypnoBirthing course early into my second trimester. I waited, unavoidably, until I was almost due. HypnoBirthing taught me about women and childbirth and how fear of childbirth has become engrained in women’s psyches. It taught me what fear, pain and tension do to our birthing bodies that prevent our uteruses acting as they know how. It taught me about the feel good relaxins that are produced when we are calm and the stressors that are released when we are not. Fight, flight or freeze keep us safe when a tiger is running for us but not when we are having a baby - on the contrary. When we find ourselves having a stress response our muscles tighten, oxygen is directed to our defense system - not our uterus nor our babies. And catecholamines are released which encourages the stress response even more and inhibits endorphins. It really is not ideal. Hypnobirthing taught me how to release fears, breathe appropriately for different stages of labour and how to use affirmations and visualisation to aid relaxation and self-hypnosis. I highly recommend it.

“Fight, flight or freeze keep us safe when a tiger is running for us but not

when we are having a baby, on the contrary…. Hypnobirthing taught me

how to release fears, breathe appropriately for different stages of labour

and how to use affirmations and visualisation to aid relaxation and

self-hypnosis.”

My perusing on pregnancy tells me what I would have liked; calmness, stability, solid community around me, regular yoga and meditation, a consistently healthy diet and much more water. And of course HypnoBirthing, without old school antenatal classes (although I did enjoy the connections I made). But hang on a minute, I did the best I could with what I knew and what resources I had. I did fantastically. Oh my God, I’ve never said. It feels great and deep down I believe it. Felix is awesome, feisty but awesome. Never doubt you haven’t been good enough. We have all been good enough. We have all been the best we could be, at those times, and we can still strive to be better without beating ourselves up.

This is the thing: our children are not us and although their primary needs are the same as ours, their emotional dispositions are possibly very different but like us they deserve as much presence, respect, empathy, guidance, joy and gentility as we are able to offer them. Their minds, bodies and souls deserve to be treated with as much respect as possible but here’s the other thing: our own minds, bodies and souls deserve the same treatment and if we look after our own then this will transfer organically onto our kids.

I can tell you now, with the benefit of hindsight, what I would have liked to have done differently during the first four years of Felix’s life. I would have enlisted more support for the early months; a cleaner once a week, regular breaks from Felix to sleep and have some “me” time. I would have eaten better, and not touched alcohol for the first year of his life. I would have encouraged Felix to take the bottle earlier to ensure breaks for myself. I would have continued with yoga and meditation and sought support for my anxiety and sleep deprivation.

Would have, could have, should have… but I didn’t do any of that and maybe it would have made little difference. I’ll never know. But what I did do, and I forget to remind myself sometimes, was be there for him, and for myself 100% to the best of my ability. With where I was at and what resources I had available I worked very, very hard to do the best I possibly could. We all do that and we should all be proud of ourselves for accomplishing what we do.

The final question I propose is more of an invitation to reflect. What are you doing to look after your beautiful, holistic selves; your minds, your bodies and your souls?

Do you have nourishing relationships with your partners, your friends, family and your community? Do you need to foster new relationships? Do you eat well? Do you get enough sleep? Do you get some form of regular exercise that you enjoy or at least enjoy the benefits of? Do you meet your spiritual needs, whatever you see them to be? Your soul’s needs? Your need to be the happiest individual you can be? How is your mental health? Do you need to see a doctor, a psychiatrist, a counsellor, a friend? Do you need more support for yourself, your relationship or your kids? We are not alone, folks, although sometimes we can feel like we are. We need to build ourselves up to be as strong and resilient as we can be, with a community that helps us maintain that, for us and our children. Whatever support we receive, our children receive. Whatever support they receive, we receive. I have come to believe wholeheartedly that it takes a village to raise a child.

Let’s rally together and strengthen our minds, bodies and souls so that we don’t only ‘appear calm and confident’, as Bruce Lipton suggests, but that we are actually calm and confident much more of the time.

Anna McVeigh is a registered HypnoBirthing practitioner and counsellor and is offering free pregnancy and post-natal counselling in 2017 for anyone who first does a Hypnobirthing course with her.

"Hypnobirthing is as much a philosophy as it is a technique. It is a rewarding, relaxing, stress-free method of birthing that is based on the belief that all babies should come into the world in an atmosphere of gentility, calm and joy. When a mother is properly prepared for birthing physically, mentally, and spiritually, she can experience that sort of joy, birthing her baby in an easier, more comfortable, and often even pain-free manner. Through a well thought out program of deep relaxation, self-hypnosis, special breathing techniques, visualisation, affirmations, and education, Hypnobirthing returns to a woman the art of birthing in a way that allows her to summon her natural birthing instincts and to birth her baby in safety and in ease.

Hypnobirthing is based on the belief that severe discomfort does not need to be a natural accompaniment of birthing when a woman is properly prepared and trusts her birthing body."

- Marie Mongan

I first learned about HypnoBirthing when I was heavily pregnant with my first and only son, Felix, who is now four years old. I had moved to Christchurch from Auckland when I was seven months pregnant. I was excited and put the word out for a recommendation for a midwife in the Canterbury region. An old school friend recommended the midwife she had worked with and, in what felt like the same breath, she recommended HypnoBirthing and went on to rave about the birth of her children and how HypnoBirthing empowered and resourced her with all she needed to ensure an enjoyable birthing experience.

I was sold.

As a trained counsellor, with a great deal of therapeutic strings to my bow and personal development under my wing, HypnoBirthing philosophy and techniques resonated in all sorts of ways. The idea that gaining wisdom about the history of women and childbirth can help to change our beliefs about birth made sense to me. Learning how fear has been gradually installed in all of our psyches, in the western world especially, made sense to me. It made sense that in order to let go of some engrained fears we need to re-educate ourselves on the truths of childbirth and learn about how our bodies work miraculously in our favour, and in the favour of our babies.

Learning to remain calm and to trust in our bodies, our babies and the environments we find ourselves in is at the heart of HypnoBirthing. Learning about the central nervous system and how fight or flight impacts birth in detrimental ways informs us and also encourages us to invest time in relaxation and self-hypnosis.

Remaining calm and breathing appropriately at all stages produces the hormones and chemicals our bodies and babies need, and encourages oxygen to reach where it is needed most; our uteruses and our babies.

Empowering ourselves with knowledge and techniques to ensure a safe, natural and enjoyable birthing experience is key. It made sense that we need to not only inform ourselves, but also continue to enquire and make decisions based on the reality of what is going on. Discussing fears with our birthing partners and learning what partners can do to help throughout pregnancy and during childbirth play an important role in the process. Ensuring a midwife or caregiver who is open and familiar with the ideas is also important.

Birthing partners can play a crucial role in pregnancy and birthing and not, like history suggests, be merely onlookers or out of the picture all together. They learn relaxation techniques themselves so as to remain calm and present for mums. They learn how to help empower mums, anchor mums, relax mums, give mums light touch massage, and how to act as caregiver themselves and as a strong voice for the emerging family. They, too, become informed and empowered to be an integral part of the pregnancy and birthing process. And so much more.

The various breathing techniques learned for remaining calm, experiencing surges (aka contractions) and for the birthing phase totally fit with what our bodies need. Affirmations and visualisation help to give our conscious and subconscious minds, and our bodies, new messages about birth and becoming a parent. Relaxation and self-hypnosis re-program our minds and bodies and help to create a climate of calm and positive expectation.

HypnoBirthing is all about Mind Body and Soul and even more about mothers, partners and babies experiencing a pregnancy and birth that feels connected, empowered and joyful because as we continue to learn the birthing experience has an enormous impact on our relationships with ourselves, our partners and our babies. In addition to this, our babies experience an entry into this rather chaotic world, that gives them a sense of ease, trust and love, inviting them to fall in love with us, and the world around them.

In addition to all of the above, Hypnobirthing wisdom, tools and techniques will benefit you and your relationship to self and others ongoingly as everything you learn is about the power of the mind, and how relaxation, self-hypnosis, breathing, visualisations and affirmations can improve your quality of life.

Please contact me on 0277120004 to find out more and book in for a HypnoBirthing course. I will take you on a journey of self discovery that will change your pregnancy and birthing experience, and indeed your life, in ways you least expect. I am also offering a free post natal counselling session to anyone who does a HypnoBirthing course with me in 2017.

My advice: Study HypnoBirthing as early into your pregnancy as you feel comfortable. Prepare, prepare, prepare - whatever you put in, you will get out. It is so worth it!

The idea for this post came to me recently when I was at AquaGym in Christchurch swimming lengths. I'm not one of these people who has been swimming for years and is super fit and can swim lengths of freestyle for an hour. The truth is that I haven't been swimming for long at all and I do spend an hour in the water but I take rests, and I swim a variety of freestyle, breathstroke and backstroke. And I love it. I go at my own pace. I can swim anytime, regardless of weather. The water feels gentle and forgiving. I can create my own rhythm and go with the flow, so to speak. I like how your whole body gets a workout when swimming and you can throw some cardio into the mix too. But the best thing about it is that I actually enjoy it!

I will always remember talking to a friend of mine in Auckland after he'd been swimming one morning. He said "I don't actually think swimming is my thing." It stood out to me at the time and I have thought about it a lot since. At the time I was running, sporadically, but still ocassionally running. When he made that comment I remember feeling a murmur within, a feeling of surprise that may have been trying to tell me that I would prefer swimming to running. But at that stage I had semi-blinded myself into thinking that running was the way of the future. You know, you can just walk out the door and go. It's free, easy, in nature. But the reality was that my commitment to running was pathetic. Or, to put it kindly, my commitment to running was ambivalent. I'd run three times a week for a month or two and then stop for sometimes the same length of time. It was challenging, boring, and not enjoyable, for me. I also didn't feel that great after doing it. It made my head race and feel buzzy, which is also what I experience after drinking coffee.

Ironically, the friend I have in Auckland, (the one who used to swim most mornings) now runs frequently, does marathons and has come to realise that he loves running, much more than swimming.

I learned later in life that swimming is my thing, not running. Yoga is my thing. Biking is my thing. Tennis. Surfing - mmm I'd like it to be my thing but I started late in life, like just over a year ago, and while I feel inspired and great being out on the water, love catching waves and feel super chuffed when I manage to stand up, I also feel frustrated, and a little timid. I still hold hope that it may become my thing but I think boogie boarding might be more my thing, these days. Kayaking - love it!

I guess the primary reason for this blog entry is that we all need exercise and some of us procrastinate or have unrealistic thoughts about what exercise is or should be. Exercise and a balanced and healthy diet are fundamental to good health and wellbeing. They are nature's medicine and I believe they are still totally underrated in terms of addressing people's mental and physical health. But it's a no brainer - good food and enjoyable exercise strengthen the body, and the mind and produce all the feel good chemicals we need to feel energized and in balance. Doctors should be addressing these aspects of clients lives, always.

But the good news is, and it took me a while to realise this, that exercise can and should be enjoyable because then we want to do it and we feel good before, during and after doing it and to top it all off we feel great FOR doing it.

So... what's YOUR thing?

I am a 41-year-old mother, counsellor, hypnobirthing practitioner and linguist. My gorgeous son Felix was born in 2013. We live by the sea in sunny South New Brighton, Christchurch. The community here is warm and diverse and we love nothing more than playing at the beach, biking down the estuary or drinking hot chocolates at the local cafes!

My background is in language teaching, tour guiding and recruitment. I have a Bachelor of Arts in Languages and Linguistics and have previously worked as a foreign language teacher (English, Italian and Spanish), tour guide, and an overseas recruiter of International volunteers.

However, over the years I have become more attracted to social work, community work and counselling. For the past decade I have retrained in the fields of mental and physical health, and personal growth and I have engaged in social work and therapeutic work. During this time I have committed to my own personal therapy and had regular guided supervision. In life I have come to realise that gaining self-awareness, and practicing self-kindness are at the heart of growth and finding joy, peace and abundance in our lives. Discovering what gives us meaning and purpose in our lives - and engaging with whatever this is - is vital to well-being. My approach to life, wellness and therapy has become increasingly more holistic over the years and this manifests in my own personal life and in how I work with others.

Since 2007 I have trained in Narrative Therapy, Sandtray Therapy, CBT, ACT, Mindfulness, HypnoBirthing and other practices. I received my Post-Graduate Diploma in counselling from Auckland Unitec in 2011, completed a 1-year self development programme at the Psychosynthesis Institute in Auckland shortly thereafter, and in 2016 gained my Masters Degree with a thesis that focused on "holistic approaches to therapy."

Throughout these years while retraining I also gained extensive work experience in the field. I have worked at Higher Ground rehab in the field of addiction, at Problem Gambling, Lifeline, St Peter's College, and Nurse Maude Hospice. I have worked at Barnardos with families with children and at the Walsh Trust in Auckland as a workshop facilitator in areas of mental health.

All of this experience has brought me to today where in addition to parenting Felix I work as a volunteer counsellor at the Women's Centre in Christchurch, run wellness and mindfulness workshops, and offer counselling and HypnoBirthing classes to people in the Canterbury region.

Come and meet me in my garden studio! Or for those outside of the area I am happy to offer support through Skype.